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If you do not say anything else for the rest of your life, just repeat this conversation, you still have a fair chance of passing as a remarkably witty man of sharp intellect, keen observation and extremely pleasant manners. Then hide these boards carefully. You must, however, bear a few things in mind: This is the second edition, including roughly players! There are various, centuries-old, true British traditions to secure this aim: Your profile has been saved. You may fall out of it, speak naturally, and then where are you?

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Always laugh at everybody's joke - but be careful to tell a joke from a serious and profound observation. I think England is the only country in the world where you have to leave your lights on even if you park in a brilliantly lit-up street. Dull and pompous foreigners are unable to understand why ex-cabinet ministers get together and sing "Daisy, Daisy" in choir; why serious business men play with toy locomotives while their children learn trigonometry in the adjoining room; why High Court judges collect rare birds when rare birds are rare and they cannot collect many in any case; why it is the ambition of grown-up persons to push a little ball into a small hole; why a great politician who saved England and made history is called a "jolly good fellow. All serious Englishmen play darts and cricket and many other games; a famous English statesman was reported to be catching butterflies in the interval between giving up two European states to the Germans; there was even some misunderstanding with the French because they considered the habit of English soldiers of singing and playing football and hide and seek and blind man's bluff slightly childish. Sometimes - this is a popular cat and mouse game - they are sent to another office on the fifth floor, form there they are directed to a third office in the basement, where they are told that they should not have come there at all and sent back to the original office. You must understand that an English town is a vast conspiracy to mislead foreigners. Many foreigners who have learnt Latin and Greek in school discover with amazement and satisfaction that the English language has absorbed a huge amount of ancient latin and Greek expressions, and they realise that a it is much easier to learn these expressions than the much simpler English words; b that these words as a rule are interminably long and make a simply superb impression when talking to the greengrocer, the porter and the insurance agent. According to the Pocket Oxford Dictionary, for instance, the word means quick and neat in movement

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When the bus arrives, they make a dash for it; most of them leave by the bus and a lucky minority is taken away by an elegant black ambulance car. All orders and directories to the public are worded in such a way that they should have no meaning whatever. First, thinking of the great amount of foreign idiots and half-wits I had had the honour of meeting, I considered this remark exaggerated but complimentary. In the era of an enlightened Mayfair this attitude has changed. It is not as difficult as it sounds: The extremist left-wing holds the same view concerning washing, too. How to be a Film Producer A little foreign blood is very advantageous, almost essential, to become a really great British film producer. The advantages of Mayfair English are that it unites the affected air of the Oxford accent with the uncultured flavour of a half-educated professional hotel-dancer.

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The other day, for instance - I just mention this as a terrifying example to show you how low some people can sink - I wanted a cup of coffee and a piece of cheese for tea. Nothing should be good enough for a British film producer. Never be sober after 6: Then hide these boards carefully.

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